Ever wondered how all these bust-ups come about on the UK music scene? Well, it turns out they’re not all down to Max Clifford and the pop-grot column inches machine.
Details have recently been released of one man’s subversive crusade to bring the UK music industry to it’s knees via the highly-proven playground method of ‘juxta-sleeze’ and ‘counter-slagging’.
Known simply as ‘Embroilface’, his musical bitching campaign peaked in the mid 90s when he seized an opportunist moment in a Manchester bar to bring about the fall of Take That. Embroilface approached Gary Barlow in his usual charming manner, and the two became very comfortable chatting over a few shandies. The musical fantasist then slipped out a tale about the time he had been UFO spotting with Robbie Williams, during which he claimed Robbie had spoken about Gary’s mum, referring to her as “tramp tits” and adding: “I’ve had her. She was crap.”
Punctutating the shocking revelation with his trademark face stance, he gleefully watched as Gary shuffled off to the toilets where he spent the rest of the night crying and plotting his revenge. But Embroilface wasted no time; he was already at home splicing up the secret recordings he had just made of Gary speaking, until he was able to send an anonymous MP3 to Robbie Williams which he had geniously edited to say: “You’re – not – great. You are – scampi fries and a pink gin. I’ve always thought of Robbie as – fag machine around here.”
Within 24 hours, there was a mass hair-pulling fest, and the legendary split was afoot.
These days, the work of Embroilface is much easier, thanks to the explosion of sites offering music 2 download, where a few bitchy text comments seem to satisfy his bizarre compulsion. Look out for him when you’re perusing the latest recent music releases, and if he starts calling your mum, you can officially consider yourself of musical importance (unless your mum just is a bike or summit).
